"Never Lie to Your Mother"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but, I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. She has her room, and I have mine."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom"

A gentle Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

" Oh dear!, I'll let my good and kind husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. One more thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the gentle Amish lady is home telling her good husband Jacob about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob. Something about the Emergency Brake...."

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB AT.......

Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill

Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Brown: Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

Cornell: Two--One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure

Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest

Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Middlebury: Five--One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one

Holy Cross: Ten--one to change it, one back up if the first guy's too drunk and the other eight to pray that it works

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do

Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework

Wesleyan: The whole student body,, boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that

Connecticut College: None--they are all too drunk to notice

Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg that he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.

Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in

Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says: "Stay calm, an officer is on the way, he will be there in two minutes. "Before the police get to the crime scene however, the 911 dispatcher's phone rings a second time and the same blonde is on the line. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake".

Way too much work

A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so you will know what to do. Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest. When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much. The old doctor said when he dropped his pen that the floor was so clean, there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.

When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing to much church work and needed to cut down on what she did.

When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew she was doing to much church work. The young one said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen I saw the preacher under the bed."

From the rear of the plane, a Marine colonel in service greens waded through the crowd up to the scene of the tantrum. He bent down and whispered a few words into the little boys ear, smiling gently all the time. The boy suddenly quieted, looked up at the colonel, climbed into his seat and buckled his seat belt. The colonel went back through the plane to his seat, gaining the thanks and praise of the flight attendants and passengers around him.

Later in the flight, a flight attendant came to his seat. "Colonel," she said, "The crew and passengers all wants to thank you for your assistance with the boy, but we're curious... what exactly did you say to him?"

The colonel smiled and said, "It was simple really. I showed him my pilots wings, my battle stars, medals and battle scars, and told him "These entitle me to throw one passenger off any plane I like at 30,000 feet."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. "She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!!! "He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,... Anything!!! "

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"

Calm ways to curse the computer screen:

In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry. Each is 17 syllables. Ingenious!

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully.

With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire

The network is down A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.


2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.


3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.


4. ELBONICS(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater or airplane.


5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps
backing a person across the room until one finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.


6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n.
act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly one has to resort to the "illegal" side.


7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.


8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.


9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.


10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Subject: Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy
bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Groan!
After you read these, turn your eyes to the sky, then groan. After all you do want others to see you as a groan up.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them,
he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A guy went out on the golf course and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl.

They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."

Seizing the opportunity she presented, he tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. "She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"

#1: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ...

#2: One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

"Regulations For Hunting Attorneys"

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a powerboat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREESCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of court rooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:

• Yellow-bellied sidewinders - 2

• Two-faced tortfeasors - 1

• Back-stabbing divorce litigators - 3

• Horn-rimmed cut-throats - 2

• Minutiae-advocating dirtbags - 4

Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

This is funnier if you're familiar with the allegations about Reagan's sophistication (or lack thereof) in Edmund Morris' recent biography.

Beethoven, Shakespeare and Ronald Reagan wait in line outside of Heaven....

Ludwig van Beethoven is first.] St. Peter : "Who are you?" Beethoven : "Eh?" [St. Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven]St. Peter : "Who are you?"Beethoven : "Ludwig van Beethoven." St. Peter : "Do you have any papers?"Beethoven : "Ach, nein...."St. Peter : "Then you will have to prove you are who you say you are."Beethoven : "Give me zome musik paper, ein pen, und ein choir ov angels." [St. Peter calls the angels forward and watches patiently while Beethoven scratches out a new composition and then performs it with the choir of angels. St. Peter smiles.]St. Peter : "Wonderful. Welcome, Herr Beethoven." [Shakespeare is next.]St. Peter : "Who are you?" Shakespeare: "William Shakespeare."St. Peter : "Do you have any papers?"Shakespeare: "Ay me. Nay."St. Peter : "Then you will have to prove it."Shakespeare: "Prithee, give me pen and paper." [St. Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet. After Shakespeare is through, he gives it to St. Peter to read. St. Peter smiles.]St. Peter : "Wonderful. Welcome, Mr. Shakespeare." [Finally it is Reagan's turn.]St. Peter : "Who are you?"Reagan : "Ronald Reagan, former President of the United States."St. Peter : "Do you have any papers?"Reagan : "Well, nooo...."St. Peter : "Then you will have to prove it, just like Beethoven and Shakespeare."Reagan : "Beethoven... Shakespeare? Who are they?" [St. Peter smiles.]St. Peter : "Wonderful. Welcome to Heaven, Mr. President!"

Male or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a
gender
association although in English these words were
neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the
other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

This is really spooky..... An anagram, as you all know, is a word or
phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has
way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Word - When you rearrange the letters
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Astronomer - Moon Starer
Princess Diana - End Is A Car Spin

AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING ONE OF ALL...

Year Two Thousand - A Year To Shut Down

Subject: The 90's....22 Signs that you have had too much of the '90s

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and hee-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

6. You daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

20. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

BLACK NOVEMBER

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of...Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And
scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner

and burst with a deafening boom

then splattered all over the kitchen

completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows

it totally coated the floor

there was turkey attached to the ceiling

where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance

it smeared every saucer and bowl

there wasn't a way I could stop it

that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure

and thought with chagrin as I mopped

that I'd never again stuff a turkey

with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Idiots, they're everywhere!!!! Aaaaah!

IDIOTS AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerknoticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. Sheinformed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefullycompared that si gnature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.ADVICE FOR IDIOTSAn actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & SafetyHandbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate youreyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOODI live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossingsign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he nolonger wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

Sighting #1:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earthare blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."